Love to suffer

I saw this need for suffering and resistance to heal in many people around me. The pain or suffering gives them a purpose to live. To the outside world they’ll say they want freedom from that pain but internally they’ll find reasons why they can’t come out. Till now I thought I was open to healing and I’m not in this bracket. 

But today I’m face to face with the truth that I’m no different. I may have come out of many tragedies and sufferings in life. But all that was to prove to myself and the world that I’m strong and capable whereas inside me I feel the opposite. 

Some days back I had written about my choice to love my partner irrespective of he moving away. And I was proud of myself. But today I’m realising that all that was a lie and just a feel good factor. Within me, I want to suffer in the pain of being unloved inspite of loving him. And I saw that I’m thriving in this suffering blaming him in my mind and feeling like a victim. But outward I’m telling myself “See I’m so powerfully handling myself and still loving him”. So many lies I’ve been feeding myself with that I never saw the truth that I actually am angry on him and no love left. 

Yes, I’m seeing that I’m just protecting my image of love to myself and others. Today, I’m dropping my facade and accepting my feeling of anger and victim hood just the way it is. Nothing right or wrong about it. 

I’m feeling free as I’m writing this. It took a lot of courage for me to put this in this blog opening my ugly side to the people I know. Thank you for reading.