Who is responsible for you and your life?

 A friend of mine came over to my house. Her husband was supposed to pick her up sometime, so I asked her if she had enough time to drink tea, and she said she could. So I went to prepare tea. As the tea was prepared and I was about to serve, she got a call from her husband and he said I am coming to pick you up now, come out of the house and it is urgent. So she panicked and said 'I am so sorry, I cannot drink tea'. I said he would take 2 minutes to come, you stand out and drink your tea. And I went out to see if he had arrived. But by then my friend had already gulped the hot tea and I was shocked. She said he would be angry if I didn't listen to him and she ran down. He came only after another couple of minutes. By then she would have leisurely drank tea and calmly waited outside. This example was that of a wife, but this could happen vice versa too. The husband might be fearful of the wife. 

Pause for a while and ask yourself what would you have done in such a situation.

My other question here is who is the victim and who is the perpetrator. Initially, I felt angry with the husband, but deeper deliberation told me that he was not responsible. It was my friend who was responsible for her emotions for panicking unnecessarily. All she had to do was, when the husband called and said it was urgent, she had to communicate to him that tea was prepared and I would drink it and be there in 5 minutes. This communication would have created an understanding. Then she could have drank tea standing out watching out for his arrival. 

This episode made me realise that many women who complain about their spouses or are afraid of communicating are clear that it is hard to communicate with their spouses. They sit with "He won't listen" or "he won't understand", "he will scold", etc..... They either submit to that or they resist and fight it. Both create resentment over a period of time and they continue to blame the spouse in their minds or openly gossip about it. And this makes them a victim.

So, ask yourself this question, am I living a life of a victim and blaming my spouse for the way my life turned out? 

Join us in this safe space where you can explore such themes that can shift the quality of your life... I can be contacted on 9845351105

Are we addicted to struggle and hard work?

 

"Stop swimming so hard and hop into the boat." Rumi says this aptly. Let's Pause for a while to dig deeper into this statement and see its profoundness. 

As humans evolved, our ancestors faced multiple dangers and threats, and they had to fight for survival. Hence, over time, we got genetically programmed to react to such threats and worry and stress became a part of our survival instincts. Today, if someone doesn't take stress or doesn't react much, they are called irresponsible and lazy. People are expected to struggle and be extremely hard-working to be recognised. They need to adhere to the culture, and rules of society and be good to everyone. As humans evolved and our bodies and minds developed, these societal conditions have become barriers to authentic expressions and hence life turns into a struggle. 

How about we consider that as our brains are evolving in thinking, we are forgetting to feel and hence emotions are being neglected. This is very detrimental to us humans and whatever stress we are facing is due to that neglect. In fact, it is the balance of thinking and feeling that connects to the consciousness. "Feelings lead us to consciousness" is what neuroscientist Antonio Damasio says and he is clear that we need to connect to our emotions to reach higher consciousness. When we can connect to our feelings and listen to the messages they give, we then can hop onto the boat of consciousness which then will build our trust in divine intervention. This will help us reduce our struggle and just do what is needed and required and have faith in the divine doing its job. This is complete surrender. I have experienced this leading to a very simple lifestyle where I have all the time in the world to do everything that I want to do and earn myself the life that I deserve. I have stopped worrying about making mistakes or worrying about what people will think. I just take the required actions and allow the result or consequences to emerge. If it's an unpleasant result, then I work towards acknowledging and accepting that wholeheartedly believing that's happened for my highest good. So let's learn to hop on the boat of divine guidance by accepting the reality the way it is and believing everything is happening for my highest good even though I can't understand that. 

This requires you to slow down a little and explore yourself through mindfulness and becoming aware of your emotions. Join us at Bhaavtharang to explore yourself...

Happy Makar Sankranthi

 

When I was young, during the festival of Sankranthi which is celebrated in January (when harvesting happens), my mother would ask me to dress well and carry the ‘Yellu-Bella’ mixture and distribute it to all the neighbours in our vicinity. I used to wonder what’s the logic of this. I wouldn’t like it. But today I’m able to comprehend that this practice was to introduce me to the bigger world around me other than my family. Normally girls who are around 8 to 10 years of age are dressed up and they accompany the elders who go and share the Yellu-Bella, a sugarcane piece, and a sugar candy which indicates sharing of sweetness with others. Wow, what a beautiful way to safely and in a celebrating way to make me comfortable meeting people outside my family. Yes, each festival has a significant contribution to learning to be social and bond with our environment. 

To understand the festival's connection with the universe, this period is a celebration of the sun's journey from the southern to the northern hemisphere. That's why it is called "Makara Sankranthi" which literally translates to Capricorn Transition. Capricorn is a zodiac sign.

Also probably in olden times, winter used to be severe and people's mobility would have reduced and when the sun shifts, this is the apt time to celebrate and share resources with. each other as they also harvest. Socialising in their homes and getting more personal would do a lot of good to the individuals and the community.

Also in the winter, we need oil to nourish our bodies which the yellu, cobbri and groundnut provide. Everything is so aligned with nature. And it is celebrated differently in other states. In Gujarat, it’s the kite festival (symbolising the transition of the sun believing that the sun rays during this period have healing properties), Pongal in Tamilnadu (signifying harvesting), West Bengal celebrates Ganga Sagar Mela, Maharashtra celebrates through colourful rangoli, Deepothsava in Punjab and so on….. Each state has its own creative and local way of celebrating the community. And research now has shown us how important social and community bonding is to our health and well-being. Our ancestors knew that without research. So let’s celebrate our festivities with respect and reverence. 

Happy Sankranthi or Happy Pongal 🥰

DO YOU VALUE YOUR CONTRIBUTION?

Today, a friend shared with me, “My husband wants to buy a property, and he is cribbing that if I had contributed to the income of the house, he would be able to buy a better property, so he questioned me on what am I contributing to the house, and this was so hurting, and I didn’t know what to say”. 

This got me thinking about how much significance and importance we have given to the man-made resource called MONEY and that we demean the contributions of our dear family in creating love, care, and compassion. My friend was working until she gave birth to her first child and then the second, and she is already made to feel that she is good for nothing as she is sitting at home earning nothing.

We have all given so much importance to money that it devalues the services of a mother, wife or daughter-in-law. Let us ask ourselves, Is money as worthy as what a wife or a mother provides? Have we given so much power to money that we devalue and demean our own loved ones’ contributions to our lives? Is earning money for the family the only contribution anyone can make?

Money is a resource that we have that fulfils our needs, just like water, earth, fire, etc.. We are yet to comprehend the importance of nature-made resources, but money has raced ahead to take the first place on the stage that it just doesn’t allow us to look around and value the invaluable service our loved ones are doing for us. 

The woman, who is now the mother, is feeding and nurturing your own biological children, but you end up questioning what’s your contribution. The women also may be caring for your own parents, but you ask, what’s your contribution? The woman is keeping the home clean and cooking for you at home, and she’s asked what your contribution is. Let alone what other say, even the woman starts to believe that I am worthless since I am not contributing. Then, what is she doing when she is cooking with love, caring for the kids, making the house into a home or creating a safe place for her family to reside peacefully? 

The woman is waiting for the man or the others in the family to approve and validate her actions, but is she validating or approving herself? Does she believe she is worthy and invaluable? If she doesn’t believe in herself, then what hope is left that the others will see her efforts?  She also ends up believing money is more important than herself. 

Now it’s time for you women to begin to stand up for yourself, or money will win the battle. Now, it’s time for you men to stand up for your women, or money will win the battle. And you know money can’t buy love, family or happiness. 

If you have anything to counter or add, kindly share on whats app to 9845351105 or comment here.

Does history really repeat itself or we choose to repeat it?

I went to a friend's house and she has a son who is 4 years old. When I greeted her and went into her house, she introduced her son to me and told the son "Say Hi to aunty", and the child did not say. Instead he looked distracted. She again told him to say hi to me. He didn't want to. She was almost getting irritated and I had to tell her, its ok for him to not say hi to me. Let him feel free to be himself.

As children we were taught many rules of the society and that of the family. They could be rules like ‘you must respect adults’ or ‘don’t back answer’ or ‘you should be nice to people’ or ‘parents know what is good for you, so listen to them’, or ‘be strong and don’t cry’ or ‘don’t take your problems outside the four walls’, bla bla bla…….. 

And when you got scolded for making a mistake (so natural), you were told ‘silly people make mistakes’ and so you decided ‘I am not good or smart enough’ or ‘I am silly or stupid’. If your sibling came along and you felt your parents gave more love and care to them and so, you assumed, ‘I’m not loved or appreciated enough’, when you went to school and teacher did not smile at you but smiled at your friend, you said ‘people are unfair’ and so you either decided ‘I need to fight to survive’ or ‘I don’t deserve love’. When your parents gave you less money than you wanted, you would have been disappointed and said to yourself, ‘there is never enough money’, or ‘when I grow up, I’ll earn lots of money’, etc, etc, etc…..

If your parents gave you everything you wanted, sometimes even before you asked, you felt obliged to make them happy by studying well but somehow you forgot what you studied, and so got less marks, you felt guilty and assumed ‘my parents are doing so much for me, but I can’t make them happy and so I’m a let-down’ or ‘life always lets me down’. 

 

And ultimate is in the 6th grade, when your friend shared your secret with another classmate or got another bestest friend, you got sad or angry and declared that ‘nobody can be trusted’ and you still believe it because more people did this to you. 

 

So, whether you didn’t get what you wanted or you got everything you wanted, you still made certain decisions at that time which may have helped you move away from threat or negativity. You did not know any other way to handle it. But now, you know many more ways to resolve your issues, isn’t it? Then, why do you still have to believe or hold on to this decision you made long long time back? It is because the past decisions have stored in your brain and body and makes you believe as if that is “reality”. And since you have hundreds of evidences of that being true (still it is happening), you get gripped by the thought as not a thought but as “reality”. And so even now, the same things are happening around you. It’s as if you got addicted to those thoughts and beliefs and so you don’t want to lose them. Without awareness, you are allowing your future also to be like the past. Means, your past keeps repeating in your life and you live in a vicious circle. 

 

If you want to break the vicious circle, alter your circumstances and change your life patterns, you first need to shift your view about reality. What you think is reality, is often your beliefs playing out around you. It's the programmed neuron firing in your brain for the stimulus outside. That's when we react, to survive the threat since the neuron is programmed for that. Yes, you are that powerful to cause your thoughts into reality. All you have to do is choose the thoughts that you want to turn into reality. So lets choose.... 

For mindful practices and to discover your thoughts and emotions, please visit bhaavtharang.com (https://www.bhaavtharang.com)

Desire to protect

 “The more you are protected, the more fearful you become. The more you protect someone, the more fear you instil in them” 

And their ability to protect themselves reduces. 

Today morning I heard a screeching sound of our cat and I went out to see a big cat attacking our cat. I saw my cat on the corner of the stair withdrawing with so much fear for 30 seconds and then jump out of the compound. Parallelly my brother came out and shoved off the big cat. 

Then I started to think whether we at home have made our cat so soft (by caring too much) that it’s ability to protect itself from the outside world is diminished? Is this how we are raising our children too? By saying “don’t trust others”, “don’t go out”, “think 100 times before you do anything”, “this is a big, bad world”, “don’t do this and that”…… 

We all know too much of fear, sadness, anger or any negative emotion brings about imbalance in life. But how about too much of positive emotions like love, too much of care and affection that we show to our children and end up taking all decisions for them and don’t allow them to fail and feel hurt? Like I’ve heard parents say “I don’t want my child to struggle as much as I did”. I’ve also seen parents amassing property such that their children may not suffer? Is this helping? It’s raising fear and anxiety levels in us. 

This “too much” of care in the name of protecting children and pets could be one of the causes of anxiety and depression when they face the real world. Parents telling children “I know better how the world is and so listen to me” is proving to be a demotivation for children to explore and develop courage and resilience. Some children go timid with this or too rebellious on the other side. They put themselves into many troubles to prove to themselves that they are strong and can protect themselves. Look if you also are at the impact of this and check your beliefs. 

In reality if you think, we all are born with innate capacity to survive and thrive. Our children and pets too are born with that. All we need to do is trust that ability in them and allow them to taste the struggles and failures and let them learn how to deal with them. Just like a bird pushes its young one out of the nest so that it learns to fly. Because the bird know that protecting its young one for long reduces its capacity to survive in the real world. 

So my dear adults, parents, teachers and friends, let’s trust the ability to survive and protect ourselves that we all possess and be open to face any threat with courage and resilience. So, educate them to protect themselves and if needed, ask for help.  Of course you can anyways be around if it goes extreme and help them if they ask.

A day of courage to you 🤗

- Padmashree 

THE DREAM THAT WOKE ME UP

THE DREAM THAT WOKE ME UP

I wake up on a bed inside the first floor of a double-decker bus. I realize it's morning and my destination has arrived. I get down from the bed and look for my slippers to wear. I see one slipper only and my pair is missing. I search for it and I don't find it. I find another slipper there which is bigger, but I choose to wear that and alight the bus.

I have arrived at Mangalore, my in-law's place. I reach home and I see my brother-in-law getting ready to leave for the town. I request him to wait for me so that I too can be dropped. But by the time I get freshened and come out, I notice that he is not there. I ask the security, and he says that my brother-in-law has left. I am disappointed and look around me to find my car standing near the edge of the valley. 

I am super surprised as to how my car came there, but at the same time, I don't want to think of how it came there. So, I go near and open the pillion door and sit in the pillion seat and look at the driver seat. Immediately I realize, "Arrey, I only have to drive if I have to reach the town". As I jump to the driver's seat, I see that the car is falling down the valley. Fear grips me, but that is when I realize I have to hold the steering wheel and drive my car. And the moment I hold the steering wheel, I experience my car being pulled up. With astonishment, I look up and see a frail angel in a white gown pulling me up with extraordinary strength. The angel lifts me up the mountain and parks me on the top in front of a temple and disappears. 

That's when I wake up and open my eyes and realize I was dreaming. 

I could have just left it there saying that it was a stupid dream. But somehow I wanted to take this dream seriously and so I called up a friend and shared the dream. My friend who is very curious about all this suggests we meet and discuss it. I meet him and when we discuss, a new world of my present life and the choices and decisions I have to make for myself open up. 

This was the year 2014 and I was to make a decision of granting my husband (ex) the divorce that he was wanting. And I was unwilling to give since I thought I loved him. But more than love, I was consumed by anger and resentment towards him as to "How dare he treat me like this?". And I wanted to screw up his life too as I was blaming him for my then situation. I wanted him to realize my worth and come back to me. In short, I was expecting him to be the driver of my life. And hence my life wasn't working.

And this dream was telling me to own up my life and occupy the driver's seat of my own life. I was not willing to do that as I doubted my own strength. But the frail angel who pulled me up was non-other than me myself whose strength I hadn't believed in. But the angel pulling me up showed that there was sufficient strength and courage in me to pull myself up without him. The car being there was an indication that life and the universe are guiding me and I just had to trust the process of life and let go of the man in my life who did not want me.

That is when I got in touch with my own strength, I got woken up to a new life that I can craft if I release my husband and allow him also to live a life he wants. I realized that to love is to allow the other person to find their happiness the way they want it. And I just sent a message to my husband that I am willing to grant him the divorce he wanted. 

Today, one of the decisions I am very glad I took is the above. I am happy I could allow myself and him to build our lives the way we wanted. Till one year after that, I was sad as I felt I was cutting out something from my own self. But that was my pain that I had to experience, and I knew I had the ability to feel and heal, which I eventually did. I emerged happier, gentler, and more lovable with having discovered a well of compassion in me.

Now I am clear that everything that happens in and around me gives me an opportunity to learn from it or to complain about it. I chose to learn and will continue to do so.. 

What did you learn from this expression of mine? 

What would you choose as learning and take back for your life?

Please comment and help all to grow.

Padmashree (BhavTharang)